Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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