Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
