We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
