I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
