I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
