Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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