he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
