Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
