don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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