Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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