he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
