She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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