Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
