so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
