I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
