I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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