I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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