fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
