cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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