His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is Oprah even human
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
