The maid of honor just puked.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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