laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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