nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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