Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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