dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..