Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote