I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
