Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
