What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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