Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
