I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
