Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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