They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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