my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
