i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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