I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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