if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
