The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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