man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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