and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
