the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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