im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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