I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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