we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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