Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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