The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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