Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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