just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
