You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
