drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
