God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
