You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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