My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just googled if crying burns calories
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
