T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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