The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
