She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
